I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
