this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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