I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
