your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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