Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is it penis luge time yet?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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