after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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