There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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