I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
