i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize