Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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