I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
