just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
