This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
