so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
