Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize