well he's currently spooning the coffee table
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
