if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
