You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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