i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
