Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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