the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
