Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
