Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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