I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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