my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
