Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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