i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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