scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I believe in your delicious
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize