I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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