Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
