I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize