smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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