I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
