party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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