I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
