dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
