after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
