I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
