I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
