I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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