my mouth tastes like poor choices
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
