im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
