my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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