my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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