There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
