Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
