not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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