I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
