Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
