Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
