Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
