Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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