I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
