Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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