I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
