last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
