Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
