this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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