I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
