Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
