i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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