Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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